Existance
by Owarinainoyuki
Summary: Would that place full of sunflowers and golden skies ever be within reach? Would you be there? Waiting, for him to return? Would you along with that golden place remain untocuhed by the hands of time? SuzakuXLelouch Zaku angst


Title- Existance

Pairing- SuzakuXLelouch (Lulu is you =D)

Rating- PG

word count- 2,336

Author- Owaranainoyuki

I wrote this whilst listening to this song by Azure Ray called Sleep. It is a beautiful song, and the lyrics in my story is based around the lyrics. Kinda. ^^' Oh and I also credit Nanakibh for editing this fic and refining my gramer mistakes =D

well I hpe you enjoy =)

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_"I hate Britannians. Especially their prince!"_

_"I am not the Britannian Prince… Neither a Britannian… It has been ruled I am dead… Therefore, Lelouch Vi Britannia doesn't exist and neither do I!" _

Ironic, wasn't it? _You_, who felt like _you _were dead, were now _actually _dead; killed in front of the many eyes of the world… and in front of his.

_What was it like to die?_

That was what Suzaku's question was; how did it feel when the cold, steel blade penetrated your pale, silk-like skin? How did it feel when you felt the blade inside of you drain _your_ life away, causing the blood to pour turning your robes from white to a strawberry pink to crimson red? How did it feel, knowing that the one who did this… was _your_ best friend? That the one pulling out the blade was your best friend? That the one _you_ were contently smiling at, with sad, amethyst eyes was _your_ best friend?

The fresh blood on the sword disappeared with ease as he swung it like a whip to his side. The warm blood slowly blended into the red carpet and disappeared. There was a thud and a whispering girl, speaking with her brother for the last time. It was a bittersweet conversation that ended with an agonizing scream. Soon, the silence turned into applause; a cheerful applause, that was triggered by the girl's shrieks, and with that Suzaku closed his eyes allowing himself to be surrounded by darkness. There, all he could see was that content smile, which he hadn't witnessed since those days full of sunflowers and golden skies.

_**Fill these spaces up with days  
In my room  
You can go you can stay  
I can't sleep,  
I can't speak to you  
I can't sleep**_

The days seemed to drag on, with the usual business and greetings. However, the screaming girl didn't scream anymore; she would often smile and act as if nothing had happened. Although occasionally she would look out a certain window like she was waiting for something or, should he say, someone. Whilst she did that, he couldn't find the strength in his heart to bring her back to reality and would watch her quietly from a distance, waiting until she would hang her head. Then that would be his cue to walk towards her placing a hand on her tiny shoulder, this would say much more then words could, and she would often respond with a smile; placing her hand on his proceeding to look out the window in silence.

There would be a silent, secret hope that in the distance, that distinctive figure of _you _would appear; walking towards the palace. He could imagine, couldn't he?

That was his life, reminiscing about things which didn't exist anymore, staring absently at pictures as if they were alive and part of the present. The present and future was nothing anymore, just a passing day with nothing to anticipate.

_**Now these years locked in my drawer  
I'll open to see just to be sure**_

Everyone was moving on with the times, people were married and starting families; the next chapter in their life. The girl who didn't scream anymore also married, a fine gentleman in fact, his name was Rai. He would protect and take care of her, so there was no need to worry. However the man behind the mask felt somewhat uneasy and unwanted around the palace. No one called for him and he was often left in the dark about a lot of things. He was the odd one out. Now that everyone had moved on with the times, his just stood still. There was nothing good about the future so how could move along with the tide, when all he could feel was the regret and pain of the past?

Less people came to visit _your _grave, soon only he and the happily married girl came to replace the previous candle they lay.

He often visited yourgrave, whether it was just to talk or just to be some place where he knew _you_ were. Even if it rained, he would stand there under an umbrella, staring at your grave, listening to the raindrops land and bounce off of it. Then before returning he would place the umbrella over yourgrave and whisper, _"Stay dry…"_

At times he would often ask, _"How does it feel, knowing that everyone's moved on…?"_

He would sit there waiting for a reply, staring at the features of _your _gravestone, his fingers tracing _your _name, admiring the chiseller, who engraved yourname in such beautiful calligraphy. Even after waiting for an hour there wouldn't be a reply, however he remained quiet just listening out for yourvoice and reply. His visit would often end with a soft, poignant smile and words of anticipation, _"I guess… you don't know… maybe you can think about it, ne, Lelouch?"_

_**I can't sleep,  
I can't speak to you  
I can't sleep**_

Before he realised it, fifteen years had gone by and the all-grown-up girl didn't look out that window anymore; she was preoccupied with her family and husband. Their family somehow radiated a light which he wasn't a part of; he lived among the shadows created from that light, relying on that shadow to live. That wasn't how he wanted to live. He wanted a life to live without relying on anyone any longer. Especially someone, who had finally found that 'something' to replace the bitter sadness and constant waiting for someone who never came back.

Her face showed sadness, half was covered in darkness from the shadow the other half was illuminated by the sun.

Her face read, _"Are you sure?"_

He nodded. "_Yes. You don't need me to protect you anymore."_

With that, he left the palace, waving goodbye to the tear soaked face of the young mother and her children whilst being comforted by the new man of the house.

He wondered if _you _would ever forgive him for leaving her in the care of someone other than him. Maybe so. However, maybe it was the right thing to do. He wasn't needed and neither was Zero. Would it have been different if Suzaku were the one who died and not _you?_ Maybe she would have still relied upon you_._ Maybe there would be more happiness lingering around the place.

Well, he could wonder.

_**And so I'm reaching out for the one  
And so I've learned the meaning of the sun  
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view  
And watching it pull my own light as it tips a shade of you**_

The wind was nice, as he rode his bike down the desolate road, surrounded by fields of grass and hay. It was different to the one in the city; it seemed more gentle and delicate as it slowly caressed his whole body in a gentle touch

He began to ride faster, as if he were racing the sky, the sky that never seemed to fall behind no matter how fast he went. It reminded him of those days of being a ten-year-old, where the most smallest of things became his biggest wonders of life.

Would he ever be able to beat that sky, the one which seemed to stand still as you walked, but slowly glided along as you stood still? Would he ever be faster?

He picked up the speed again and watched as everything surrounding him became a blur, except for that sky.

He slowly stopped and took off his helmet, allowing the gentle wind to caress his face. There was a bit of sadness tinted in the deep emerald.

_"I've lost…haven't I?"_

_**Hold my wine hold it in  
Nobody's lost  
But nobody wins**_

The shrine still seemed to be intact; thank god the war didn't change this place. He looked around; noticing the weeds growing through the cracks of the stone pavements and made note to learn how to garden. The grass was longer, but the trees seemed smaller than what they had been.

He placed his bags down and sighed deeply, this was his new home now, the place where he would reside until the day he died.

He looked down again, staring at the cracks in the path. Though it may have seemed run down, to him it was still the most beautiful place in the world. Because all he could see was _you_.

Upon realising that, all the emotions he had hidden the past fifteen years suddenly came back in a flash and he found himself wondering how the hell he got through it.

He staggered as he walked towards the old abandoned warehouse, where he had spent most of his time. His steps faltered, as he saw a silhouette of a young boy gazing up at the sky along side another, who seemed to have blurred. Sunflowers suddenly surrounded him, the gold shining onto his skin and he fell backwards in surprise. Looking up, he watched the boys re-enact a familiar scene, which caused the sadness to reappear.

_"What's it like to be alive?"_

_"Well… It's like our friendship."_

_"What do you mean, Suzaku?"_

_"It's beautiful, and though it may hurt at times… there are still things I look forward to. Like waking up and knowing that I'll be seeing you."_

_"Heh… idiot…"_

_"Oi!"_

_"…Ne, promise me… when we're older and reunite, lets return to this place together."_

_"…Yeah, let's…"_

Suzaku bit his lips so hard it began to bleed; the crimson red slowly dripping down his quivering chin. The path it left wasn't straight, but shaken due to the tremble in him. His sight soon became blurred with the unwanted tears, causing the sight of the familiar 'Kururugi Shrine' to come out of focus to nothing more than a blur. Their time was so precious that it made him want, more than anything, to run back to the fields of sunflowers that shone like gold in _your _eyes and contained the innocent happiness of _you _and him.

Throwing his worn out helmet to the ground, he covered his weary eyes with his rough hands shielding it from the world he hated looking at. This type of world wasn't worth living in or seeing because this was a world where _**you didn't exist.**_

And whose fault was that…

_**I can't sleep**_

_**I can't speak to you  
I can't sleep**_

_**I can't speak to you**_

Staring mindlessly out of the window he would often find himself calling out _your _name as if he was trying to get you to listen to something. Of course, no one would respond and he would just smile nostalgically and turn away, returning to the main house.

He grew flowers now for a living. His speciality were sunflowers. That was his peace, these flowers which gave off a fragrance of reminiscence. Every morning he would get up at the same time, sunrise, to water the flowers, to pick the already blossomed ones, and to plant more. This was the best time of day due to the morning dew which would moisten the soil. Suzaku laughed softly to himself; twenty years ago he would have never imagined seeing himself doing this for a living. He got quite a good number of regular customers who came to buy his sunflowers. Upon seeing them, their faces would always seem to brighten up. That were one of the many reasons why he loved sunflowers. They always had the power to turn sadness into happiness.

No one seemed to recognise him as they came to buy flowers. Well, his face had aged quite a bit, so maybe that was a good thing, at least there wouldn't be any interruptions to his peace.

The Kururugi Shrine still radiated a small glow even after ten years since he returned to this place. His life was much quieter now, which he preferred it to be because he would always find himself listening out for _your _voice, calling out to him.

…_Suzaku…_ _I'm back…_

He could wish and wait, couldn't he?

Well, that was all he could do, because he couldn't return back to thirty years ago, where _you, _him, and the happily married no-longer-a-small-girl played among the fields of golden sunflowers, watching the golden sky stretch above their heads, going far into the distance, carrying the dreams, the happiness and wishes along with it.

_**And so I'm reaching out for the one  
And so I've learned the meaning of the sun  
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view  
I'm watching through my own light as it turns the shade of you**_

He never could find the strength to return to that place of gold and happiness. He would rather just keep the memories of laughter and eternal promises from being covered with the sadness and reminders of the war which destroyed them both. Maybe that would be the only place which hadn't been soiled by war or touched by the hands of time.

Maybe that place will eternally thrive with those golden sunflowers, as well as the memories of _you _and him.

The memories of _you _and him dancing, laughing, and running without a care in the world.

The memories of _you _and him creating promises which could now never happen.

The memories of _you _and him falling for each other unknowingly and mistaking it for nothing more than sheer happiness.

These were the memories that forever lived in his heart, along with _you._

_**I can't sleep  
I can't speak to you  
I can't sleep  
I can't speak to you**_

_"Can you hear it?"_

_"Hear what?"_

_"This…"_

_"Your heart?"_

_"Yeah… it proves… I'm alive... It proves… **I exist**…"_

Silly, you always existed in his eyes.

_**I can't sleep  
I can't speak to you  
I can't sleep  
I can't speak to you**_


End file.
